OWNERS MANUAL for the 2016 DAD Parental Unit
Tech Assistant – Dr. John L. Cox (located in India)
Congratulations, DAD Owner. Your decision to be parented by the DAD Parental Unit will hopefully provide you with a lifetime of pleasure (as well as some difficulties we have not quite worked out yet). This User’s Manual will hopefully make your DAD Experience as pleasant as possible
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS and SOFTWARE PACKAGE
2016 HeadoftheHouse Operating System
Quicken “Allowance Provision” Finance Bundle
Full “Grounding” Capabilities (depending on misbehavior of the user)
512 Mhz BrokenStuffRepair Program
Camera/Video Media Package – VideoYourSchoolPlays FREE UPGRADE
Full Sports Participation Add-on
Yardwork Enforcement Motivational Upgrade
Wireless Networking Capability – with the MOM Unit for when she’s had enough of you and needs the DADUnit to take you away for the afternoon!
INTRODUCTION
The DAD Parental Unit was originally released at the Eden Plant in TigrisEuphrates, California in 6000 BC. At the time of its release, it functioned perfectly. The original unit, however, became infected with the Serpent’s Fruit Trojan Virus and has not functioned perfectly since. Subsequent to the virus upload, users can expect the DAD Unit to have chronic problems, including being late to school plays, being distant or overbearing, worrying too much about money, and yelling at the MOM Unit late at night.
However, the DAD program has been a great success. Users have benefited for centuries from the guidance, playfulness and leadership of the DAD Units. Our Educational Upgrades have allowed the DAD Units to help countless users cram for exams and throw together last minute science projects. The wildly acclaimed Sports upgrade has helped the DAD Unit to teach such basic wisdom as “Keep your eye on the ball” “Throw where the receiver WILL BE” and “Set the hook before you try to reel him in.” Most DAD units also provide downloadable zip files of feeling safe and loved, learning about power and responsibility and being a wonderful model of leadership and love.
TROUBLESHOOTING and FAQ
Q: My DAD Unit sometimes seems distracted and uninvolved in my life.
A: This does not necessarily mean that the unit is defective. For many DAD Units, the burden to provide for their family units causes a memory dump in the JOB subroutine resulting in overheating and ultimate system shutdown. Be assured that this shutdown is not because the DAD unit does not care about you. Allow the unit to reboot in front of a television monitor displaying a sports channel and the unit will return to proper functioning.
Q: My DAD Unit seems to find fault with everything I do.
A: With some DAD units we have found that the Criticism Applet can overfunction. Again, we encourage our users not to take this personally. If you think your DAD Unit is demanding, you should have met the GRANDDAD Unit!!
Q: I don’t think my DAD model is nurturing or sensitive enough.
A: This is a common confusion and occurs because users often confuse the DAD software with the MOM program. The DAD product often has a deficit regarding helping you pick out clothes, crying with you, care if you are really clean or make sure you show up at your friend’s birthday party (though sometimes if networked with the MOM software, the DAD product can be forced to do some of these).
UPGRADES
Users have been waiting for a DAD Upgrade for several thousand years. However, our technicians have been unable to improve on the original model despite much effort and company expense. We hope you will be content with generally the same DAD software that we have been offering since the Adam 1.0 model.
PERFORMANCE SPECIFICATIONS
Regardless of the history of technical glitches in the DAD Parental Unit, the DAD program has been a great success. For centuries the DAD has taught its users to throw baseball, hunt and fish; to understand power and achievement and love, and also tell it’s young users when “they’d better stop doing something wrong before they “Really learn the meaning of a whippin’.””
The DAD Unit has been applauded most significantly however for its potential to mirror the ultimate Creator, who has also allowed himself to be called “Father.” Our earthly DAD units have the opportunity to reflect God’s gentleness and love, but also his power and authority. They can teach us that limits can actually be GOOD for us, and teach us about forgiveness if we fail.
We hope these guidelines on your new DAD unit will help you fully benefit from this wonderful relationship, however, if problems persist, feel free to call us 24 hours a day at 1-800-DADSaJERK….or visit our website at www.thePOORGUYneedsLESSONS.com. If even these troubleshooting options do not resolve your problem, please check out our new THERAPIST 5.O technology.
Originally published in Jackson Christian Family magazine, 2005.